Going Through The Motions
by klutzysunshine
Summary: Spoilers for "She's Leaving Home". Meredith's just feeling numb to all it ... and then the pregnancy test is positive.


**I don't own Grey's Anatomy nor will I ever. No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

Meredith knew packing up the kids and just leaving wasn't the best plan but she was too numb to really think about what she was doing other than she needed to escape the memories of their house. Going through the motions every day was just easier than dealing with the reality of her situation. The kids had a tough time adjusting to the numerous abrupt changes in their lives but she was right there with them.

"Mommy, are you okay?" a concerned Zola questioned when she noticed how sick her mother looked.

Meredith nodded and took off towards the bathroom. Nine weeks after Derek's death and the stress was still causing her issues (along with everyone incessantly calling to check on her to make sure she was okay and safe). She was sick and tired of feeling off balance like this and didn't appreciate her body being so out of whack afterwards. Meredith also didn't look forward to the time she stopped feeling numb. "I'm fine, babies," she assured her worried children when both wandered in a few minutes later to check on her.

"I love you, Mommy. When's Daddy coming back?"

Zola's innocent question nearly broke her right there and then but it hadn't caught Meredith off guard. "I told you that Daddy's dead and he's not coming back, remember, Zozo?"

The little girl nodded and her lips wobbled. "I miss him. I want him back!" She burst into sobs and proceeded to set off Bailey in the process.

"Daddy!" the little boy wailed.

Meredith didn't know how she was supposed to handle these two innocent little kids on her own. Once more, anger coursed through but burned out quickly (as it had done so ever since she showed up at that hospital to see her dying husband). "Bailey and Zola, I know you want your daddy back. I want him back too but it just isn't possible and I'm so sorry about that. But I love you both and I promise that I'm not going anywhere if I can help it."

Zola wrapped her arms around her mother and Bailey joined in a few seconds later. "Can I see Sofia?"

She snorted. "Maybe later, sweetie." Meredith groaned as she picked herself off the bathroom floor and headed back out to the kitchen to cook dinner.

The next morning, she went to the playground with the kids just so they could have some sense of normalcy and watched them interact with the other children with a plastered smile on her face. Meredith kinda enjoyed feeling numb like this because then she didn't have to deal with any other emotion. Cristina had tried to provoke her after the funeral but she refused to go on the defensive because she hadn't had enough energy to do much of anything in the days after. Cristina had gotten so upset she started crying for her.

Meredith missed her friends but she just couldn't face them, not yet. She had to pick herself up first and move on before returning to Seattle (if she ever did anyway - hadn't decided yet if she'd go back).

She tried to go on with her life over the next three days but realized something was up after multiple trips to the bathroom. This wasn't just a flu she had caught from Bailey and Zola. Meredith had skipped a few periods but blamed that on the stress of the situation at first. But staring down at the positive pregnancy test in her hand, she felt something other than numbness (and nausea) creeping through her body.

Derek had wanted this baby so badly and wasn't even going to be around to meet their third child. Zola and Bailey wouldn't remember their father, this one would never meet him. And how the fuck was she supposed to raise three kids on her own? It was hard enough with two. Meredith's hand crept down to her flat abdomen. "Hey, baby. Sorry you won't get to meet your daddy. He would have loved you so much."

And then she lowered herself to the floor and finally began to sob - to grieve - for the man she lost and had loved so much. "Damn it!" she screamed, thankful the kids were playing in Zola's room.

Because of her past history, Meredith chose to keep her pregnancy a secret from the kids even after going to the doctor and finding out the baby was healthy. She just couldn't take the risk (couldn't handle another devastating loss - Derek had been the last straw). But when she started to show, Zola and Bailey began to ask questions.

"Why do you look like that, Mommy?" Zola stared up at her mother as she shoveled some macaroni and cheese into her mouth.

She looked back and forth between her son and daughter and knew now was the time to tell them. "I'm having a baby. You two are going to have a little sister."

Zola squealed so hard Meredith began rubbing her ear drum. "I'm so happy!" She carefully jumped off the stool and began running around in circles, amusing her mother in the process.

"No brother?" Bailey looked so upset that she couldn't help but laugh.

"Sorry, bud, you're out of luck. You're outnumbered by women." A pang of sadness hit her as she wondered what Derek would think of having another daughter. Could Meredith even do this by herself? She still wasn't sure.

* * *

But the moment she laid eyes on Ellis Alexandra Shepherd for the first time and saw Derek in her, Meredith knew she could - but she also needed her support system back in Seattle. Running away hadn't solved anything and she had to face reality sooner or later. A flight with three kids, especially a newborn, wasn't the easiest but at Alex helped calm down Zola and Bailey.

Alex had called Amelia and Maggie to inform them where he was going after getting the phone call so neither of them were surprised by Meredith reappearing with a baby. "She's beautiful," Amelia murmured as Ellis cooed.

"She is."

"All I can see is Derek. I hope that never changes." Amelia pushed her anger aside so she could focus on her nieces and nephew.

"I hope it doesn't either." Meredith didn't regret her choice to bolt but she did regret that not one of her friends had been around to support her when she was pregnant.

"Aunt Amelia is going to spoil you rotten, Ellis. And I'll protect you from your older brother and sister when they gang up on you." Amelia adored the hell out of this little girl and she vowed to protect all three of Derek's kids with every fiber of her being. They were growing up without their father just like she had but Amelia would make sure Zola, Bailey, and Ellis didn't know the hurt she still lived with every day.

The bed felt empty but Meredith persevered and dealt with the only way she knew how. And she allowed herself to cry once more for Derek before returning to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital.

She'd always miss Derek but at least he'd live on through their children and his sisters. And grief was a long process but at least Meredith wasn't going through the motions anymore.


End file.
